[EI-1267]
“Extreme Fights”
“Extreme Fights” hereby referred to as EI-1267, is the name of a mixed martial arts TV program that aired in universe [redacted] of planet [redacted]. EI-1267 was discovered from a series of abandoned tapes and is believed to be the cause of the destruction of three solar systems.
As stated previously, EI-1267 appears to be a mixed martial arts (abbreviated as MMA) TV program. In each episode, two opponents brawl in their fighting style of choice until one surrenders to the other.
EI-1267 is hosted by two men referred to as Bryan and Paulson by EI-1267. They are incredibly eccentric and often portray the fights as more interesting than they actually are.
The fights of EI-1267 became more violent and had fewer rules as the show progressed. Each fighter brought in was stronger than the last to anomalous levels. The strength of the fighters often led to the destruction of property and even loss of life for opponents and bystanders. Despite this, the show continued and the destruction continued to escalate.
Despite the sheer destruction, the audience remains completely amused, as if they were tranced. Even if a family member was caught in the crossfire and mangled beyond comprehension, the remaining family members either completely ignore it or consider it a blessing, claiming bragging rights.
The hosts, Bryan and Paulson, become more eccentric and loud as EI-1267 progresses, portraying each fight as “the greatest match ever.” They were the most entranced-like out of everyone from the way they talked about the matches. It is theorized that the hosts are the ones who are entrancing the audience in the fights, but there is not enough evidence to support this.
From TV viewership statistics recovered, 95% of all televisions were tuned to EI-1267 at one point. For the final 5 episodes, 100%. Despite the entrancing effects of EI-1267, the tapes did not trance the viewer as it did live.
Numerous tapes of EI-1267, along with terabytes of data of internet usage, television viewership, and news articles, were found inside a singularity vault near the ruined solar systems. It is unknown who or what placed this vault.
On 2.14.2015 at 2:00PM, the show Extreme Fights began its run on TV. The show was uneventful until the 24th episode when the ring was destroyed in crossfire. The episode after that, the ceiling was destroyed and caved in. It killed 4 people.
At the time, the show did receive some backlash for this event, but was able to continue. It was the only time the show received backlash, and for the rest of the show’s lifespan, nobody complained about the destruction and death.
Episode 27, half the audience dies from the collapse of bleachers after a fighter is thrown at it.
Episode 28, it happens again.
Episode 29, half the building is destroyed. After this episode, the show is filmed outside.
Episode 30, [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]. The rest of the episodes continue this trend.
Episode 34, an entire continent is destroyed. Satellites were used to capture the footage.
Episode 35, the moon crashes down into the planet. Every planet also breaks its orbit.
On episode 36, the final episode, the hosts completely shift their tone from eccentric to serious, as if they know it ends here. The fighters names are not announced, and instead, it is announced that they will be fighting for “a name.” Once the fight began, the planet was completely destroyed in 12 seconds. The footage was cut off a few seconds later. It is unknown whether or not the three solar systems were destroyed in this episode or future episodes.
Several days later, the destruction is discovered by The Shroominati and a team of Agents is sent to investigate.
It is worth noting that all text in caps implies screaming at the top of their lungs.
[BRYAN] - WELCOME EVERYONE, I’M BRYAN [PAULSON] - AND I’M PAULSON [BOTH] - AND WELCOME TO EXTREME FIGHTS!!! [BRYAN] - TODAY WE HAVE TWO COMPETITORS WHO ARE ESPECIALLY PISSED OFF AT EACH OTHER. IN THIS CORNER WE HAVE THE DEADLY, THE OBESE, THE SMELLY, THE CRAZY, THE WICKED, THE INSANE, THE ABSOLUTE UNIT- GAAAAAAAAAARRRRRY THE GUUUUUUUY. [PAULSON] - AND IN THIS CORNER, HE’S ALREADY HAD MAJOR SEX WITH EVERYONE’S MOM, INCLUDING MY OWN. YOU LOVE HIM, YOU HATE HIM, HEEEEEE’S THE MOTHERRRRRR FUCKERRRRRRRR. [BRYAN] - IT APPEARS THE MATCH IS ABOUT TO START. [PAULSON] - AND THERE’S THE BELL! [BRYAN] - Oh wow! Gary the Guy immediately delivers a brutal uppercut. The Mother Fucker is not going to like that and OH MY GOD [PAULSON] - WOW! I CAN’T LOOK. ok maybe I can BECAUSE THIS ACTION IS OFF THE HOOK. THE MOTHER FUCKER JUST GAVE GARY THE GUY A TASTE OF HIS POWER. HE HAS THROWN GARY TO THE FLOOR AND IS BANGING HIS MOTHER! [BRYAN] - oooooh. Gary the Guy looks pissed now. YO! HE’S SPINNING THE MOTHER FUCKER AROUND LIKE A FRIZBE. OH SNAPS!!! GARY THE GUY JUST THROUGH HIM INTO THE WALL! I THINK THAT’S A KNOCKOUT!!! ... [PAULSON] - AND IT IS!!! GARY THE GUY WINS!!! |
[BRYAN] - IT IS TIME FOR THE MATCH A HISTORY IN THE MAKING. [PAULSON] - THIS IS IT. THE MOMENT WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. [BRYAN] - THIS WILL QUITE POSSIBLY BE. THE GREATEST MATCH OF ALL TIME. THIS IS EXTREME FIGHTS!!! [PAULSON] - You’ve said it! As THIS is the fabled rematch we’ve all been dying for! [BRYAN] - GARY THE GUY AND THE PATHETIC VIRGIN!!! [PAULSON] - As you know, The Pathetic Virgin has challenged Gary the Guy to a rematch to reclaim the name once stolen after his painful defeat just days ago! [BRYAN] - SOUNDS LIKE THE MATCH IS STARTING, LET’S SEE WHAT HAPPENS... [PAULSON] - AND THE BELL IS RUNG! AND WOW, THE PATHETIC VIRGIN DOES NOT WAIT AROUND. HE’S PUMMELING GARY THE GUY!!! [BRYAN] - OH BUT THE GUARD WAS LET DOWN AS GARY THE GUY THREW HIS SIGNATURE VIRGIN KILLING UPPERCUT! [PAULSON] - WOW BRYAN! SOME OF HIS BLOOD FLEW INTO MY EYES! [BYRAN] - THAT’S WHAT I LIKE TO SEE PAULSON, BUT LOOK, SEEMS LIKE THE PATHETIC VIRGIN ISN’T DONE JUST YET. [PAULSON] - WOW HE GOES FOR A PUNCH BUT IS DENIED BY GARY THE GUY. OH AND OH MY GOD HE’S DOING IT AGAIN!!! THE SAME MOVE THAT TOOK OUT THE PATHETIC VIRGIN LAST TIME!!! [BRYAN] - AND BOOM! THROWN AT THE WALL ONCE AGAIN. OH SNAPS!! SEEMS LIKE THAT’S NOT GONNA WORK THIS TIME [PAULSON] - UNBELIEVABLE! THE PATHETIC VIRGIN GETS UP LIKE IT WAS NOTHING! OH HE’S GRABBING A PIECE OF DEBRIS NOW AND- BOOM! [BRYAN] - THAT’S A DIRECT HIT, WE’LL NEED TO SEE AN INSTANT REPLAY ON THAT. LOOK! GARY THE GUY LOST 5 TEETH FROM THAT! [PAULSON] - GARY IS SPRINTING DIRECTLY TOWARDS THE PATHETIC VIRGIN AND OOOOOO. NOT SO SIGNATURE ANYMORE! SEEMS LIKE THE PATHETIC VIRGIN JUST DELIVERED A GARY KILLING UPPERCUT. GARY APPEARS TO BE DOWN- [BRYAN] - BUT WAIT! IT WAS JUST A RUSE!!! GARY THE GUY COMES UP FROM BEHIND AND DOES THE SAME SPINNING MOVE. OH WOW, YOU THINK YOU CAN SEE IT COMING BUT GARY THE GUY DOES NOT DISAPPOINT. HE LOVES TOYING WITH HIS PREY. [PAULSON] - AND BOOM! THROWN AT THE EXACT SAME WALL! SEEMS LIKE THE WALL COULDN’T TAKE IT AND THE WALL IS COLLAPSING ON TOP OF THE PATHETIC VIRGIN! LOOKS LIKE A KNOCKOUT, FOLKS! ... [BRYAN] - AND IT IS, GARY THE GUY IS VICTORIOUS ONCE AGAIN, AND THE PATHETIC VIRGIN KEEPS HIS NEW NAME. |
[BYRAN] - are. You. READDDDDDY FOR THE GREATEST MATCH OF ALL TIME!!! [PAULSON] - YES, PAULSON, I AM. NOTHING CAN GIVE ME MORE PLEASURE THAN THE SATISFACTION OF WATCHING THESE EXTREME FIGHTS!!! [BRYAN] - YOU KNOW IT, BRO! AFTER THIS FIGHT, I THINK I CAN DIE HAPPY. [PAULSON] - ME TOO, BRYAN, BUT LET’S NOT WASTE ANYMORE TIME BECAUSE I LITERALLY CANNOT WAIT ANOTHER SECOND FOR THIS FIGHT! [BRYAN] - ME NEITHER! FORGET THE BELL AND JUST START ALREADY!!! [PAULSON] - HOLD ON, BRYAN. WE STILL NEED TO INTRODUCE THE COMPE- [BRYAN] - AND THERE’S THE BELL. WOW! IMMEDIATELY MR. VICTOR GOES FOR A SWOOPING AERIAL KICK. [PAULSON] - ANNNNND KABOOM! UPH, SEEMS LIKE THE GROUND SURRENDERED, BUT NOT PROFESSOR PAIN! [BRYAN] - WAIT WHERE’S HE GOING? HIS INTELLECT OUTMATCHES ANYONE ON THE PLANET, I THINK HE MAY HAVE ALREADY DISCOVERED MR. VICTOR’S WEAKNESS! [PAULSON] - WOW. THIS MATCH IS GETTING TENSE, AND I DON’T THINK MR. VICTOR IS WILLING TO LET PROFESSOR PAIN CARRY OUT WHATEVER PLAN HE HAS. [BRYAN] - OHHHHhhhh SHOT IN THE EYE WITH A BAZOOKA. PROFESSOR PAIN WILL NOT LET THAT ONE STAND. [PAULSON] - SEEMS LIKE HE’S UNLEASHING HIS SIGNATURE MOVE, RADIOACTIVE WASTE. [BRYAN] - WOW! MR. VICTOR’S NOT GONNA LIKE THAT MUTATION! [PAULSON] - SEEMS LIKE PROFESSOR PAIN IS ABOUT TO CARRY OUT HIS PLAN. WHAT- WHAT’S HE DOING WITH THAT VOLCANO!? [BRYAN] - NO FREAKING WAY!!! HE JUST MADE A GUN OUT OF THAT VOLCANO! [PAULSON] - READY, AIM, AND FIRE! MR. VICTOR JUST GOT SHOT WITH 2000 DEGREES OF MOLTEN LAVA. [BRYAN] - SEEMS LIKE MR. VICTOR ISN’T SO VICTORIOUS ANYMORE! ... [PAULSON] - AND YES! IT’S A KNOCKOUT! PROFESSOR PAIN IS THE CHAMPION!!! At the cost of his eye |
[BRYAN] - OH MY VIEWERS THE SHEER PLEASURE YOU WILL GAIN FROM THIS FIGHT... [PAULSON] - THIS VERY WELL MAY BE ONE OF THE MOST EXTREME FIGHTS WE HAVE EVER HAD. [BRYAN] - NOW. ON THIS SIDE OF THE PLANET, WE HAVE THE GEVERGEITATOR. [PAULSON] - AND ALL THE WAY OVER HERE, WE HAVE THUNDER. [BRYAN] - THE LIGHTNING AND THE GIBBERISH, INDEED. LET’S BEAR WITNESS TO THIS FIGHT PROPHESIZED THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO. [PAULSON] - AND THERE’S THE BELL MY FRIENDS AND OH THEY’RE ALREADY GOING AT IT. THEIR FIGHTING IS SO FAST AND FLUID THAT I CAN’T EVEN- WOAH! SAY GOODBYE TO THAT CONTINENT. [BRYAN] - OH WOW LOOKS LIKE THE GERVERGEITATOR ALREADY WANTS TO END THIS. HE CAN’T BEAR TO SEE HIS OPPONENT ALIVE ANY LONGER!!! I WONDER WHAT HE’S GOING TO- [PAULSON] - HE ISN’T!!!???? [BRYAN] - HE IS!!! [PAULSON] - HE ISN’T!!!!!! [BRYAN] - HE IS, BRYAN!!!! THE GERVERGEITATOR IS PICKING. UP. THE MOON!!!! [PAULSON] - AND HE’S THROWING IT AT THUNDER LIKE HE’S A DOG PLAYING CATCH!!! [BRYAN] - EXCEPT THUNDER’S ABOUT TO CATCH A BALL OF 161.9 SEPTILLION POUNDS!!! [PAULSON] - ANNNNNND KABOOM |
[BRYAN] - Hello, and welcome to Extreme Fights. [PAULSON] - We’re done with these pathetic, fake slap fights. It’s time to get serious. We all want a real fight. Something worthy of our attention. [BRYAN] - Here are the competitors. Currently nothing. For, whoever wins, earns a name. [PAULSON] - No more gimmicks either. This must be as real as it gets. [BRYAN] - This is what it has all been building up to. This one moment. [PAULSON] - I believe it is time to begin... [BRYAN] - The bell is rung... [PAULSON] - Bryan. It’s beautiful. [BRYAN] - I know. I’ve never seen something of such beauty. [PAULSON] - I’ve never been happier. It’s just. so. perfect. [tape cuts out] |
Because EI-1267 was “destroyed” in its own crossfire, the only thing contained is the singularity vault where EI-1267 was discovered. The singularity vault is stored in [redacted].
A few tests were done to see if the Tapes could have any entrancing effects as it did at the time of EI-1267, but these were uneventful. The subjects did not react in any anomalous ways to the tapes.
No survivors of the audience were found.